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In this article, we will be
looking at forgiveness.
Forgiving someone who has
hurt you can be very difficult. This
is particularly true when the hurt was deep and the wrong undeserved,
or when the person hurting you was a close friend, a parent, or a
relative. In the worst of circumstances, the friend who hurt you may
even blame you for the pain he caused! Often, forgiving that person is
the hardest thing to do.
King David knew the pain
of a friend's betrayal. In Psalm 55, he
poured his heart out to God:
"My heart is in
anguish within me... It is not an enemy
who taunts me -- then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who
deals insolently with me -- then I could hide from him. But it is
you, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. We used to hold
sweet converse together; within God's house we walked in
fellowship... My companion stretched out his hand against his
friends, he violated his covenant. His speech was smoother than
butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet
they were drawn swords."
David's intimate friend
had turned malicious traitor, violating
their personal trust. The friend's sweet words were in reality the
sharp daggers of betrayal. David cried out to God, lamenting the great
wrong that had come upon him. His heart bled for the man whom he had so
completely trusted, with whom he had prayed and worshipped. He was
demoralized, and overcome with personal grief.
Finally, after praying
for God's justice on the wicked, David
turns to us, his readers, and imparts the deepest wisdom for all who
have shared such anguish:
"Cast your burden
on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He
will never permit the righteous to be moved... I will trust in
You."
In our struggle to
forgive, we are not alone. Our Father is with
us. Our pain is real, but there is Hope. We can actually come to the
place of experiencing personal peace over a once-overwhelming
heartache. And we can forgive.
When we forgive someone
who has genuinely wronged us, we take
part in a miracle. Forgiving is a miracle; It is love's greatest work.
When you forgive a person who hurt you deeply and unfairly, you are
performing a miracle that has no equal! In the act of forgiving, our
character is changed. We become more like Christ, and we bestow the
Blessing of Mercy to others. "To be utterly forgiving gives a new
aspect to life, an element of joyful freedom." (Mother Alexandra, Life
Transfigured, Vol 23, No 1, pg 13)
Forgiveness can free your
life. Many people think the best thing
that could ever happen to them is to win the lottery. Others believe
the greatest miracle they could receive would be a physical healing.
The greatest miracle is not money, and it's not even healing. It's
forgiving. No other act is so personally freeing. No other act can work
the deeper healing we need. No other act is more Christlike. No other
act can change our lives for the better.
FORGIVING
IS NOT FORBEARANCE
In this article we will
be talking about genuine wrongs
committed against you, not just personality problems. Some relationship
difficulties do not involve sin. They are misunderstandings,
miscommunications or personality conflicts. In these cases we may feel
badly, but there is nothing to forgive, since no one has wronged us.
With misunderstandings or miscommunications, we must simply get clear
what is expected of us, or what we expect of the other person. With
personality conflicts, we must apply forbearance.
Forbearance is an act of
love completely different from
forgiveness. Forbearing means we lovingly tolerate things that we don't
prefer, without resentment. Forbearance is needed wherever different
people work together for the common good. Without mutual forbearance,
we would either hold grudges against everyone with differing
personality traits, or else we would become clones, each acting and
thinking the same.
Forbearance is a constant
need in the Church. St. Paul teaches
us to "lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called,
with all lowliness and meekness, with patience, forbearing one another
in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of
peace" (Eph 4:1-3). This kind of mutual acceptance and understanding is
what maintains our unity. It is our common love and tolerance that
keeps the bond of peace. Every member must forbear to maintain harmony
in the Church (Col 3:13).
Forbearing a person is
not a passive act; It is not the same as
ignoring him or her. Forbearance is fully accepting the behavior that
we don't prefer, not just overlooking it. Forbearance is done with
love, embracing the brother or sister without animosity or judgement.
This is not forbearance:
--a sullen, reluctant
attitude,
--avoiding the other
person,
--acting with disgust,
--focusing on the thing
bothering you in your mind, or,
--bringing it up in
conversation to others.
Such actions are the
opposite of forbearance! We must forbear
one another in purity and with genuine kindness.
Forbearance is a
necessity for us all, toward us all to varying
degrees. But there are times when we experience unjust hurt at the
hands of another person. When objective wrongdoing is involved, we must
learn the art of genuine forgiveness.
When genuine wrong is
involved, our first need is to forgive.
Yes, forgiveness is our need. Even though it was the other person who
committed the sin, we are the ones obligated to forgive. Let's look at
what the Holy Scriptures say:
"If one has a
complaint against another, forgive each
other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."
(Col 3:13)
"Be kind to one
another, tenderhearted, forgiving one
another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Eph 4:32)
Before we even begin to
discern what forgiveness is, how it is
possible, and how to go about it, let us acknowledge that we must
forgive. Our Church isn't just people who are forgiven by God; It is
people who forgive others. Forgiveness is not an option, because
forgiveness is a part of love and love is not an option for the
Christian. The Lord's Prayer, which we recite regularly, asks God to
"forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who have sinned against us."
Mother Alexandra writes, "Mercy must flow freely from our hearts as a
natural gushing and purifying stream... Our Creator ...promises us
absolute and complete remission of our sins, on one condition: that we,
ourselves, forgive." (Life Transfigured, pg 13).
"For we too have an
account to give ... and we are not
able to pay, no matter what we do. Therefore God has given us a
way to repayment both ready and easy, which is able to cancel all
our sins, I mean, to forgive others." (Chrysostom)
Following the Lord's
Prayer, the way we forgive others is how we
ask God to forgive us. We pray that God forgives us, to the same degree
that we forgive those who have wronged us. St. Tikhon of Zadonsk
taught, "If we do not have mercy on another, what mercy can we expect
from God? It is dangerous not to forgive!" (Journey to Heaven, publ. by
Holy Trinity Monastery, as in Orthodox Christian Journey)
After a Church meeting,
one woman approached the speaker. She
said, "Do you remember the girl who said she and her friend had not
been on speaking terms in six weeks? Well, I'm the one she spoke about.
I don't think it's fair for God to expect me to make the first move.
After all, she's the one to blame." The minister replied, "Let's sit
down and talk about it. First, let's pray. Will you start?" There was
an awkward silence. Finally the minister said, "If you don't know what
to say, just say the Lord's Prayer." The woman began, "Our Father, who
art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be
done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread,
and---" The woman stopped. After a silence, she finished the prayer and
went out to find the girl who had wronged her, to restore their
friendship.
Mother Alexandra teaches,
"To be utterly forgiving is as
important as our daily food; we ask for both in the same prayer." (Life
Transfigured, pg 14)
Jesus commands us,
"Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you
have anything against anyone, so that your Father in heaven may also
forgive you" (Mk 11:25). As radical as it may sound, forgiving others
allows God to forgive us. God's forgiveness is given only to those who
forgive. Our Lord made this absolutely clear: "If you forgive men their
trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do
not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your
trespasses" (Mt 6:14-15).
St. Tikhon of Zadonsk
comments: "Do we forgive our neighbors
their trespasses? God also forgives us in His mercy. Do we refuse to
forgive? God, too, will refuse to forgive us. Forgiveness or
unforgiveness of our sins, and hence, also our salvation or
destruction, depends on each of us individually. Without forgiveness of
sins, there is no salvation." (Journey to Heaven)
Without our forgiveness
of others' sins, we will not be saved.
This is also what Jesus taught in His parable of the Unmerciful Servant:
"The kingdom of
heaven may be compared to a king who
wished to settle accounts with his servants... One was brought to
him who owed him ten thousand talents... The servant fell on his
knees, imploring him, `Lord, have patience with me, and I will
pay you everything.' And out of pity for him the lord of that
servant released him and forgave him the debt. But that same
servant, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow servants who
owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat he
said, `Pay what you owe.' So his fellow servant fell down and
besought him, `Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' He
refused and went and put him in prison till he should pay the
debt... Then his lord summoned him and said, `You wicked servant!
I forgave you all that debt because you besought me; and should
not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on
you?' And in anger his lord delivered him to the jailers... So
also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do
not forgive your brother from your heart." (Mt 18:23-35)
"...So also My heavenly
Father will do to every one of you..."
--those are strong words! The unmerciful servant was jailed and forced
to pay an immense debt. Put in the context of heaven (which is what
Jesus was teaching about), this punishment is certainly grave indeed:
it is a punishment that has bearing on eternity. Fortunately, it has a
condition: "...if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." We
have to forgive, no matter how difficult it may be. The Fathers tell
us, "Let us hearken, for to us is this word spoken." (Chrysostom)
Still, forgiving is often the hardest thing a Christian must do.
Why is this act of
forgiving so difficult? Because it conflicts
with both our fallen nature, and our fallen sense of "justice." Our
fallen nature wants to hold on to hurts, keeping them tightly sealed so
they can fester and grow and create bitterness. Our fallen sense of
"justice" wants to put down the offender as evil, sick, or depraved and
to reap vengeance on him in "righteous" anger. These two fallen senses
battle with our need to forgive, and make the act of forgiving very
hard.
All of us, at some time,
experience someone hurting us
personally. When we are deeply and unfairly hurt, we often respond
defensively with feelings of hatred. This is common to every member of
the human race. When negative feelings are hidden or denied, they
fester inside us. If we hang on to our pain, it will eat away our joy.
Only when our hatred is admitted and felt can we heal it. If we don't
forgive, bitterness, resentment and hatred grow in our hearts. The
"root of bitterness" is unforgiveness.
Robert Louis Stevenson
once told a story of two maiden sisters
in Edinburgh: The sisters lived comfortably in a rather large one-room
apartment. One day they had a disagreement. As time passed, their anger
grew, and they stopped speaking to each other. Instead of resolving
their dispute, they both held on to their bitterness and stubbornly
stayed in the apartment. "A chalk line drawn on the floor separated
their two areas; it bisected the doorway and the fireplace, so that
each could go out and in and do her cooking without violating the
territory of the other. So, for years, they coexisted in hateful
silence... At night, each could hear the breathing of her enemy."
Sadly, the story ends there. Stevenson concludes, "Never did four walls
look down on an uglier sight."
Forgiveness is essential,
for four reasons: First, it is the
commandment of Christ for His followers. If we call ourselves
Christians, we must forgive. Secondly, it is a necessary
component for lasting and honest relationships. If we are the Body of
Christ, and members of one another, our relationships have to take top
priority! Right relationships are forgiving relationships. Thirdly, it
is in the character of God, which is Love. If we are to grow in
Godliness (II Cor 3:18; Eph 4:24), we need to impart Christlike
forgiveness. Lastly, we ourselves need to be healed of the hurt inside
us. Holding on to hurts, creating bitterness, putting the offender down
and being angry destroys us. To withhold forgiveness harms no one but
ourselves.
Ignoring our relational
hurts is analogous to doing nothing
about an open wound. Like an accident with a hunting knife which has
left a huge gash in our leg: If it is cared for, it can heal. If
nothing is done about it, infection sets in, and we could lose the leg,
or even die. We must face our deepest hurts and deal properly with
them, in order to be healed.
In some cases, the sense
of betrayal is so great that the
process of forgiveness seems too painful to go through. It seems
unnecessary torture to revisit our heartache. We feel we just can't
relive it. We actually create a better feeling of peace inside by
keeping the offense unforgiven. So we avoid forgiving the person who
wronged us. But this feeling of "peace" is deceptive. It is based in
illusion. As long as we withhold forgiveness, true peace --God's
Perfect Peace-- cannot fill us. As long as we hold an offense against
someone, we close ourselves off to God. In our confusion, we may think
we feel better, but we are actually blocking God's healing. Ask
yourself: Am I really resolved to go to my grave without forgiving? Can
I afford to go to my grave without forgiving?
In other cases, we may
honestly not want to hold on to the hurt,
but the pain is so deep we can't get it out of our minds. We may
genuinely not want bitterness, but the hurt won't go away, confusing
our emotions and making it hard to forgive. In such cases, we may need
to separate our feelings of sorrow from the objective act committed, in
order to more clearly forgive it. We seek to disassociate our pain
about what was done from the wrongdoer, so as to forgive that person.
Satan, the Accuser of the
Brethren, sometimes uses our feelings
to frustrate us, and to impede the process of forgiving. Some folks are
so torn inside because they don't feel forgiving that they give up. But
feelings of hurt do not need to be gone for us to fully forgive. Here
the issue becomes not forgiving the other person, but overcoming our
personal sadness. We may continue to feel a profound sadness regarding
the situation after we have forgiven. True reconciliation is a major
source of healing, but there are cases when that just doesn't happen,
and we must rely on God's grace and love. God will work healing in our
broken hearts over time, after we have truly forgiven.
As our Heavenly Father
knows, forgiveness is for us, as much or
more than it is for those we forgive. The Fathers teach,
"We punish
ourselves by hating others, even as on the
other hand we benefit ourselves by loving them... For not to
others are we cruel, but to ourselves. When you are vengefully
minded, consider that you are being vengeful against yourself,
not against another; that you are binding up your own sins,
not your neighbors'." (St. Chrysostom)
Besides receiving the
forgiveness of our sins, when we forgive
others we experience great spiritual and physical benefit. Our body and
our soul are not separate; the condition of one dramatically affects
the other. Countless scientific studies prove time and again that the
state of our relationships directly influences our physical health and
the soundness of our bodies. In a sense, when we forgive, our mind and
heart are saved, along with our soul.
Forgiving others heals
our hurt. It frees us from bondage to
anger, resentment and pain. Forgiving frees us from animosity toward
the person, so our wound can heal. Louis Smedes, in his book "Forgive
and Forget," writes: "To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and then
discover the prisoner was you." We need to be healed of the wrong, too.
As Father Gregory Rogers teaches, "Inner healing, at its core, is
forgiveness."
Forgiveness can be a
painful process, especially when the sting
of betrayal comes from a trusted friend. Nevertheless, though it may
take a great deal of effort, a willing heart can find the strength to
forgive. Forgiveness can be painful, but it is possible.
St. John Chrysostom tells
us we can gain strength from
recounting the many examples of other Godly men and women:
"If this seems too
great for you, let me remind you of
your fellow-servants, of Joseph, who suffered countless things,
and did good to his brothers; of Moses, who after countless plots
against him, prayed for them; to the blessed Paul, who cannot
even number what he suffered, and is willing to be accursed for
them; of Stephen, who is stoned, yet entreats God to
forgive his murderers. And having considered all these things,
cast away all anger, that God may forgive us also."
Sometimes, however,
forgiving seems impossible. We feel we don't
have the strength to forgive. And yet, the strength is there. God
provides it. In fact, the power for forgiveness comes from within us.
The strength to forgive comes from our own experience with God.
Looking deeper in the
parable of the Unmerciful Servant, we find
our source of Hope. "Should not you have had mercy on your fellow
servant, as I had mercy on you?" The king's servant was forgiven far
more than he himself was willing to forgive (10,000 talents was fifteen
years wages; 100 denarii was only one day's wage!). The point for us,
is this: Since we have been shown Mercy, we should --and we can-- show
mercy to others.
You can't give something
you haven't got; likewise, we can't
show something (mercy, love, forgiveness) that we haven't first been
shown. The good news is, we have been shown God's mercy! "We
love, because He first loved us" (I Jn 4:19). We have been shown His
Love, Mercy, Kindness and Forgiveness. We have experienced what it is
to be forgiven, therefore we have the power to forgive.
The king, with all his
money, had the financial ability to
pardon the servant's debt. In turn then, the servant, having been
released from his huge debt, had been given the financial ability to
pardon a small debt. Similarly, God has forgiven our greatest sins.
Therefore, tapping the well-source of God's infinite Mercy toward us,
we have the ability to forgive others.
Putting the offense in
proper Godly perspective can help. No one
has been more wronged than Jesus Christ. No one has been more
personally hurt, more betrayed by a friend, or more denied by those
closest to Him. Remembering the forgiveness Jesus freely gave can
strengthen us to forgive.
"There can be no
more grievous an offense than that done
to Christ our Savior, Who was not only blasphemed, reviled,
mocked, spat upon, derided, struck and bound, but was ultimately
crowned with thorns and nailed to the Cross. As they passed by,
they cursed Him --the Son of God and the Lord of Glory-- and they
put Him to death. Who are we, compared to so great a One, and
what is our injustice, compared to His sacrifice? As nothing."
(Journey)
Furthermore, no one has
been more unfairly treated --by us--
than Jesus Christ. We ignore His Glory; We hesitate to pray; We
disrespect His Church; We neglect His Body; We disregard His Mother.
Our thoughts are full of pride and sin, on a daily basis. St. John
Chrysostom speaks of our "constant succession" of sins against God as
immeasurably numerous, "For when a man looks at us, we stand off and
shrink from sinning; but when God sees us every day, we do and speak
all things without fear."
"He added this
parable ... bringing forward His own love
to man, that by comparison, you might learn that though you
continually pardon your neighbor for absolutely all his sins,
this is as a drop of water to an endless sea, so much does your
love for others come short in comparison of the boundless
goodness of God, of which you stand in need, for you are to be
judged, and to give an account."
In His Great Mercy, God
freely and constantly forgives us.
Meditating on the tremendous Love and continual Mercy we have received,
gives us the strength to forgive. Fr. Gregory Rogers suggests that it
may be helpful, under the guidance of our spiritual father, to take
some time and write down the offense(s) on a piece of paper. Then,
visualize that piece of paper on the Cross. See the Blood of Christ
pour over it, covering the paper. Say, outloud, "Lord Jesus, You died
for that sin." Finally, throw away the paper or burn it, remembering
the precious Blood that covered the offenses.
"It is difficult to
suffer evil for good. But who does
more good than God? Yet, we continually sin against Him. Do we
know who we are, and Who God is, against Whom we have sinned, and
sin still? Say from your heart, `I have sinned, O Lord, have
mercy on me. I forgive my neighbor, forgive also me, Your
unworthy servant, who sinned against You, my Creator." (St.
Tikhon of Zadonsk, Journey to Heaven)
Right now, call to mind
the love you have received from God. His
forgiveness. His mercy. Life itself. The personal ways He has touched
your heart. Truly, His tenderness has reached all of us in unique ways
and at unexpected times! You have experienced God's unearned,
freely-given love. Take that unearned love, then, and share it with the
one who has hurt you. Pass it on. As you have received, so also give.
A major falsehood we must
dispel is that we can only forgive
those who apologize to us. How often have we heard, "He didn't say he
was sorry, so he doesn't deserve to be forgiven." How often we have
seen a parent or relative who stood in stern silence, waiting to be
apologized to before granting forgiveness. Such examples are more
damaging than we know. Note that in the Colossians passage, Paul did
not write: "If one has a complaint, tell the other to apologize first
and then, if he apologizes, you may consider forgiving him." Waiting
for an apology is, practically speaking, an avoidance of forgiving.
Forgiving is something we
do regardless of what our offender
does. Reconciliation is possible only when both parties come together
to resolve an offense, but forgiveness is a solitary act. It is done by
us alone. Reconciliation involves brothers; Forgiveness involves one
person. Reconciliation is a work of unity; Forgiveness is an individual
decision. Reconciliation is an ideal; Forgiveness is a necessity.
Forgiveness must take place in our hearts even if we never achieve
reconciliation with our brother. The truth is, we must forgive the
person who offended us, whether he apologizes or not. True forgiveness
is not dependent on anything.
No apology is required,
because forgiveness is not based on the
person's "deserving" to be forgiven! Forgiveness has nothing to do with
the offending person's attitude; its about what's in our heart. He may
not admit to doing anything wrong, or he may even blame you for the
offense! He may insincerely apologize, or simply brush off the sin as
"a mistake."
"What if the
offender does not recognize his fault, or
(does recognize his fault, but) is too proud to say, `forgive
me'? This might leave the offended one with his charity up in the
air, so to speak; but no, not so. He has the great advantage that
he can, nonetheless, forgive. This is his privilege, but also his
problem to which he must come to grips for the salvation of his
own soul, quite apart from the offender's behavior. He must
sincerely echo Christ's words: `Forgive them, for they know not
what they do.'" (Mother Alexandra, Life Transfigured, pg 13-14)
To demand an apology
misses the whole point of what forgiveness
is: it is something you give to the other person. It must be
unconditional. It is not something the other person "earns";
Forgiveness is a gift. If we wait for an apology we are placing a
condition on our forgiveness. Forgiveness must have no strings
attached; It is a free act of grace, done in our heart. To try to
forgive conditionally is only deceiving ourselves. We must forgive
freely, or not at all. We forgive, period.
We are not responsible
for people who sin against us. We can't
make anyone repent; They are responsible for their own sin, and for
heeding Godly correction. Our responsibility is to forgive those who
have wronged us. The focus is not on the other person, it is on
ourselves: How will we respond?
Some people misinterpret
Luke 17:3-4 to imply that we should
require repentance before forgiving our brother. But that's not the
issue our Lord addresses in the passage. Jesus warned his listeners,
"Take heed to yourselves: If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he
repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times in the
day, and turns to you seven times, and says, `I repent,' you must
forgive him." The context of this verse is Jesus' stern warning against
causing our brother to stumble. It is our lack of forgiveness which
Jesus says can cause people to turn away from God. The point He makes
is that we must forgive every time our brother sins. The context
clearly shows Jesus' concern is that we never withhold forgiveness, not
that we require repentance first.
Immediately after the
parable of the Unforgiving Servant, Peter
asked Jesus, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I
forgive him --as many as seven times?" He was using the number seven
symbolically, as the scriptures often do. In other words, Peter was
asking if we have to forgive repeatedly, i.e., "Are we to forgive over
and over?" Jesus' answer was "I do not say to you seven times, but
seventy times seven times!" (Mt 18:21-22) Jesus replied that we must
forgive without limit. We keep no tally of how many times we forgive,
and take no thought to balancing the slate. As St. John Chrysostom puts
it, "Christ did not limit forgiveness by a number, but declared that it
is to be perpetual and forever." Our forgiveness must be limitless.
FORGIVENESS IS NOT EXCUSING SIN
Another falsehood we must
dispel is that forgiveness is excusing
the person's sin. Forgiveness is not excusing wrong; it doesn't
discount evil -- in fact, there is no real forgiveness until we admit
there's something wrong to forgive! The reality of an injury must be
recognized, then a balm can be applied, and healing can begin.
Christians are not called
to live in denial of sins committed
against them. What love is there in forgiving a sin that doesn't exist?
It is precisely the acknowledgement of the worst of sins which gives
true forgiveness its power. Forgiveness doesn't tolerate sin, either:
If a relational wrong has affected or is affecting others, it would be
unloving to do nothing. Forgiveness boldly faces the wrong, and
releases it as no longer held by us against the other person.
Forgiveness is cancelling
someone's personal debt to you. To
deny the debt is lying, and isn't forgiveness at all. To justify the
wrong isn't honest either, and will not bring about healing. We don't
defend the sin, and we don't blame ourselves. There is a debt; in
relational truth, the person who wronged you does "owe" you (an
apology, repentance, restitution). But in forgiving we release their
debt --completely and unconditionally-- and as far as we are personally
concerned they no longer "owe" us for what they did against us.
We don't pretend the
wrong never happened. We don't diminish the
weight of the harm done. We call a spade, a spade. We admit that we
have been sorely wronged, and, that the other person "owes" us, but we
forgive his debt. We forgive him or her deep inside, honestly and
personally, from our heart (We have the power to do it, because we have
been forgiven!). He owes us nothing --not even an apology. He is
forgiven.
A friend of ours
("Connie") had to go to the doctor's for some
testing when she was pregnant. She had no money at all. The testing
cost $100, and she was billed for it. Connie still had no money and she
communicated that to the doctor's office. Finally, she received a bill
which had the testing date, its explanation and its cost, with this
statement: "Dr. Decker has agreed to forgive this balance." Under
"Amount" was $100, but under "balance due" was 0.
Connie was forgiven her
debt. She will never receive a bill for
it again. She will never be reminded of it again. It's gone.
This is what we do when
we forgive. We voluntarily clear the
slate. The debt is acknowledged, but our "account" with the other
person is given a balance of zero. In the ancient Orient, whenever a
debt was settled (either by payment or forgiveness), the creditor would
take the canceled bond and nail it over the door of the one who had
owed it. Anyone passing by would see that it had been fully paid.
Likewise, as far as our "ledger" is concerned, the person is totally
freed of owing us anything.
Keep in mind, we're
talking about forgiveness here, not
necessarily reconciliation. We'll get to reconciliation later, but
forgiveness is about our attitude, our heart, our relationship to the
other person. As far as we are concerned, the wrongdoer is forgiven.
The person who has wronged us doesn't even owe us an apology to be
forgiven. Why? Because we have freely chosen to forgive him/her. The
wrong that once existed no longer exists for us. We decide to no longer
hold the offense against the person, and we release its power-hold
inside us.
Obviously, this is a
difficult thing to do. We need the
all-sufficient Grace of God to do it. Reminding ourselves of our place
before the Lord helps. We are not self-righteous! We are to be humble
toward God, and toward others. Cast your burden on the LORD, and He
will sustain you.
TAKING
TIME
Forgiveness may take a
significant amount of time. Perhaps we
may need to forgive a little at a time, in stages, until the debt is
all gone. That's okay, as long as we are truly forgiving with all our
heart. The point is that we set our energies to do it, until it is
done. We may take it step by step, but we are moving forward. We are
forgiving. "The old adage, `Time heals' is a lie; Time used to work
through the harm done, heals." (Fr. Gregory Rogers)
Like the demoniac's
father who said, "Lord, I believe! Help my
unbelief!" (Mk 9:24), we may need to cry out to God, "Lord, I forgive!
Help my unforgiveness!" This approach, however, must never be an excuse
for holding anything against the one who harmed us. This cry must be
totally sincere, from a heart and mind genuinely seeking to love and
forgive completely. The father who cried "Lord, I believe! Help my
unbelief!" did so with many tears and great urgency; our cry must be in
the same spirit. And, we must be ready for God to answer our prayer,
eager to release the forgiveness we have been given.
A helpful mental process
is to separate the person from the hurt
he caused, and let it go. Release the grip of hate. Stop wanting to
"even the score." In doing so, begin to see the person differently: not
so much as evil, but as under the influence of Evil; Not so much as
wicked, but as weak and fallible. Remember, we are weak and fallible
too! Our offender, like us, is a complex, three-dimensional person. To
demonize him may make us feel superior, but it's a false superiority.
Without diminishing the gravity of the sin, we begin to not only view
ourselves compassionately, but even to see the sinner through the
compassion of Christ. The result is, the wrong against you becomes the
product not of an enemy, but of a sinful human being. What the person
did, then, no longer dictates how you feel toward him as a brother, and
you can wish him well. St. Nilus of Sinai writes: "If you are tormented
by the thought of evil done to you, pray to God with your whole heart
for that brother (the evil-doer), and you will drive the memory of the
evil from you."
Wishing your offender
well does not mean you wish him to
continue in sin. Quite the contrary! Wishing him spiritually well
includes the hope of true reconciliation, and of him getting right with
God regarding his wrongdoing. While we do not judge or condemn the
sinner, we want God's best for him, which includes living a life of
sincere repentance. But it is from the purifying motivation of love
that we wish him well: We do not want to "get back" at him; We
genuinely want him to be happy and prosper in the Lord.
If the offense is an
ongoing one, we will need to forgive
repeatedly, with every occurrence. This does not mean we sanction the
wrong or tolerate sin. Christians cannot condone sin. It means we
release any debt owed to us personally. We can even view an ongoing
negative situation Providentially, as for our salvation. One of the
most popular Orthodox morning prayers states, "Let me not forget that
all are sent by You." Fr. Alexander Schmemann reminds us that "No one
has entered my life or your life without the will of God."
When we are unfairly
wronged and endure it with kindness, we are
sharing in the sufferings of Christ. It helps to anticipate the healing
and strength this injustice will bring about in us, if we love in
return. Is not the command of our Master that we "Do good to those who
hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you" (Lk
6:27-29)? Does not St. Peter say: "Do not return evil for evil or
reviling for reviling; but on the contrary bless, for to this you have
been called, that you may obtain a blessing" (I Pet 3:9)? Do we not
sing at every Liturgy, "Blessed are you when men hate you, exclude you
and revile you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely on My
account. Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward
is great in heaven" (Lk 6:22-23; Mt 5:11)?
"If when you do
right and suffer for it you take it
patiently, you have God's approval. For...Christ also suffered
for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his
steps. He committed no sin; no guile was found on his lips.
When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he
suffered, he did not threaten; but he trusted to him who judges
justly." (I Pet 2:10-24)
Orthodox Christians know
that such suffering is redemptive. In
fact, suffering for love's sake is a gift of God for our good (Phil
1:29). St. Paul calls us "heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ,
provided we suffer with Him in order that we may also be glorified with
Him" (Rom 8:17). We are "tested by fire," so that the genuineness of
our faith may be proven (I Pet 1:6-7). Jesus Himself, our supreme
example, was perfected "through what He suffered" (Heb 2:10, 5:8). St.
Peter reminds us that "the same experience of suffering is required of
your brotherhood throughout the world" (I Pet 5:9). "Faith in God
includes faith that He works through suffering and trials" (Fr. Gregory
Rogers; see Gen 50:20).
"For Christians the
feat of living is unavoidably linked
to some kind of suffering, within the measure of their
strength... Christianity speaks to us of a God Who suffers,
suffers not because of His guilt, but because of compassion,
because of love. If this is so, then suffering is not to be
feared, because it cannot be separated from love, or from God.
This is why we dare to say, `Of Your sufferings make me a
participant' (Lord I Call stikhera, 2nd week of Great Lent)."
(Sergei Fudel, "Light In The Darkness")
When we endure evil with
patience, we are changed into greater
Christlikeness. St. James tells us to rejoice, "for the testing of your
faith produces steadfastness; and let steadfastness have its full
effect, so that you are perfect and complete" (Jm 1:2-4). It is only
through trial that character is built, and Hope is found only after
character is built. This is why St. Paul can say, "we rejoice in our
sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance
produces character, and character produces hope" (Rom 5:3-4).
"See then how much
you gain, bearing meekly the spiteful
acts of enemies. First and greatest, you gain deliverance from
sins; secondly, you gain fortitude and patience; thirdly,
you gain mildness and benevolence, for he who knows how not to be
angry with those who grieve him, also knows and is much more
ready to serve those who love him. Fourthly, you gain freedom
from anger continually, to which nothing can be equal. For of him
that is free from anger is delivered also from the despondency
arising from anger, and will not spend his life on vain labors
and sorrows. For he who does not know how to hate, neither does
he know how to grieve, but he will enjoy pleasure, and ten
thousand blessings." (Chrysostom)
What about a lingering
anger, or sadness over the wrong
committed? Sadness is appropriate; Sin is a very sorrowful thing. A
feeling of sadness is not an indication that we are unforgiving.
Sorrow, while natural and understandable, cannot be allowed to turn
into self-pity. It is "for the joy set before Him" that Jesus endured
the Cross, for us (Heb 12:2). Instead of being self-focused, our
concern, according to St. John Chrysostom, should be for the one who
wronged us: "Have you done good, and received evil?...Grieve for the
evildoer; but for yourself rather rejoice, because you have become like
God, `Who makes the sun to rise upon the evil and the good.'"
"Have you been
injured by someone? Pity him, do not hate
him; mourn, do not turn away from him. For you are not the
one that has offended God, but he; you have approved yourself, if
you endure it. Consider that Christ, when about to be
crucified, rejoiced for Himself, but wept for those who were
crucifying Him. This ought to be our disposition... For we
gain many benefits when we endure injury, but they receive the
opposite."
As to anger, we should be
angry at sin, particularly wrongs
propagated in the Name of Christ. But Christians direct their anger
toward the sin committed, for, like Christ, we forgive the sinner
totally and completely. If we sustain anger against another person, we
withhold forgiveness and inevitably fall into bitterness. Fr. Gregory
Rogers teaches that bitterness assumes a "right" we do not have, since
only God has the right to punish anyone. We must come to the point
where we genuinely ask God not to hold this sin against them.
Anger is not a sin, but
it is very dangerous. St. Paul teaches,
"Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and
give no opportunity to the devil" (Eph 4:26-27). Anger is a useful gift
of God when it alerts us to wrongs, or spurs us on to stand for the
right. Jesus was very angry when His Father's Temple --a "house of
prayer"-- was desecrated into "a den of thieves" (Mk 11:17).
Nevertheless, the Old Testament warns us that "anger lodges in the
bosom of fools" (Ecc 7:9), and the New Testament plainly says, "the
anger of man does not work the righteousness of God" (Jm 1:20). Let us
not be self-deceived. The Christian seeks to "put away all anger" (Col
3:8; Eph 4:31). Anger over certain sinful abuse needs to be experienced
in order to fully comprehend it, but anger should diminish over time,
in a healing environment. Anger should be worked through with our
spiritual father, until it is "put away."
Anger must never be
allowed to become hatred. Ecclesiastes says
there is "a time to hate" (Ecc 3:8), but the Church Fathers clearly
interpret this as the hatred of evil. We are to "hate what is evil,
hold fast to what is good" (Rom 12:9; Ps 45:7, 97:10, 119:163; Prov
8:13; Is 61:8; Amos 5:15; Mal 2:16). St Nicholas of South Canaan
writes, "A strong man gets his revenge by reprisal, a weak man by
hatred. If you can return a blow and do not do so, this does not yet
mean that you have forgiven, until the root of anger is torn out from
your heart."
With certain seriously
harmful sins, we may need to report it to
clergy or police in order to protect ourselves and others. We may need
to seek out a safe place to live and take measures to ensure that abuse
cannot recur. In forgiving our sin, God does not say it's okay to sin.
God never excuses or tolerates sin. But He does forgive.
Forgiveness does not mean
we view the person in the same way we
viewed him before he wronged us. When our personal trust has been
violated, we would be foolish to jump right back into the relationship.
We must be forgiving, but not foolish. If someone has grossly wronged
us and won't rectify the situation, we cannot relate to him in the
same, unrestricted way --not because we are bitter, but because we
respect ourselves. Forgiveness is unqualified, but for a relationship
to start again, wrongs must be worked out. An honest relationship can't
ignore this. Christians are forgivers, but are not self-made victims.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it. To go on pretending
would be masochistic and would create a false relationship. (If the
relationship is worth keeping, it's worth working out serious
difficulties.) At the very least, a personal trust which is misspent
must be relationally re-earned.
In cases of deep and
personal betrayal, we may have dealt with
our feelings and truly forgiven, only to be reminded of the hurt later,
perhaps repeatedly. No matter how many weeks, months, or years it took
us to work out forgiving, all our past pain and anguish unexpectedly
crush us again. Our old feelings of hurt, anger and despair flood in,
and we feel back at square one. In these times, we must turn to God
directly and immediately. Whenever the grief is too much to bear, go to
God. Cry out our hurt before Him, before His infinite Mercy Seat, and
allow Him to pour anew the healing waters of Love and Acceptance over
our wounds. "Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you."
And after this cleansing, we must remind ourselves that we have
completely forgiven the individual that hurt us. We must truly say in
our hearts, "He is forgiven; I released him," and go on. Mother
Alexandra exhorts us:
"The attainment of
this virtue is not easy, for we have
retentive minds. Although we have mouthed our forgiveness, and
even meant it very sincerely at the time, some small incident
will awake a bitter memory, and resentment then rears its hateful
head. We must be vigilant and decapitate the unworthy thought at
once, not letting ourselves dwell upon it for one instant." (Life
Transfigured, pg 13)
There is no way around
forgiving. We must forgive, or we will
harm ourselves in ways far worse than the original offense. Seraphim
Aleksiev teaches, "Fatal is the spiritual condition of the man who ages
with malice and strife. He reaches an extent of bitterness which equals
spiritual death."
No matter how great an
offense has been, no matter how deeply we
have been hurt, we compound the offense when we do not forgive it.
Furthermore, we reject the forgiveness of Christ toward us when we,
like the unmerciful servant, hold debts against others. We give our
hearts to the Author of Bitterness, who works to ruin our salvation. An
unforgiving heart invariably results in spiritual death. Saint John
Chrysostom preached, "He who treasures up the memory of wrong against
his neighbor, does not permit the punishment upon his own sins to be
done away." St. John continued:
"Make your mind
contrite, humble your soul by the memory
of the offenses you have committed, and anger will not be able
even to trouble you. The cause of all these evils is this: that
we scrutinise the sins of all others with great exactitude, while
we let our own pass with great remissness. Whereas we ought to do
the contrary --to keep our own faults unforgotten, but never even to
admit a thought of those of others... For if we, wicked as we are
and enslaved to passion, overlook all the faults committed
against us, much more will He who is a lover of mankind, and
good, and free from any passion, overlook our delinquencies,
rendering to us the recompense of our kindly spirit towards our
neighbor in the forgiveness of our own sins." (Ag. Publ. Errors
of Brethren, NPNF vol 9, pg 241-2)
There is no way around
total forgiveness. Forgiving may take
time, but in the end it must be absolute. We cannot leave the slightest
residue of "debt" or guilt, or else we have not fully forgiven.
Ultimately, we must come to the point where we can say with our whole
heart, "I hold absolutely, positively, nothing against you. I have
fully, unconditionally forgiven you and everyone involved. I can
confidently and without hesitation pray, `Father, forgive my sins as I
forgive those who have sinned against me.'"
Reconciliation is not the
way of the world. Most people take a
"drop it" approach to relationship problems. When a person wrongs them,
they either ignore it or put up with it, suffering in silence. Some
simply cut off the relationship and spew words of hatred about the
other person to whomever will listen. For a while, even Christians may
try to "fake" the relationship, pretending that nothing is wrong.
Eventually, with the problem unresolved, they often begin to withdraw
from the relationship entirely.
God wants us to work
difficulties out. All relationships have
problems. Any deep and honest relationship has its moments of tension
and hurt. We all wrong each other. In fact, resolving conflicts must be
an ongoing part of any truly honest relationship. If there's no
relational difficulties between two people, their relationship isn't
very close. We are called to be members of one Body, working
side-by-side, "sharpening" each other and calling one another on to
greater love and service (I Cor 12; Prov 27:17; Eph 4; Col 3). Fr.
Alexander Schmemann teaches that "we belong to each other." Jesus
commands us to correct our brother who errs (Lk 17:3). If we're doing
this, we're going to have occasional conflict! God wants us to face
relational problems squarely, not shrink away from them.
Conflict is a natural
part of any honest relationship in this
world. It's "okay" to have a problem, but we must never allow negative
things to pile up and divide us. We must deal with conflicts. Our
relationship will grow much stronger and closer when we talk it out
together. We can't have honest relationships without reconciliation.
For a relationship to be
reconciled, both people involved must
be willing to work at it. As we have said, we forgive first.
Forgiveness is unqualified, but for an honest relationship to continue,
wrongs must be worked out.
Our Lord Jesus Christ
showed more concern for our relationships
than for any other aspect of human life. The number one topic of the
New Testament (and Old Testament proscriptions) is our dealings with
others. Why? Because our relationships reveal our real person. What we
do to, with, and for others is the measure of our Christianity.
There are two major
teachings of Christ on reconciliation. The
first is found in the Sermon on the Mount, and pertains to when our
brother feels we have wronged him (Mt 5:22-24):
"Every one who is
angry with his brother shall be liable
to judgment; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to
the council, and whoever says, `You fool!' shall be liable to the
hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar, and
there remember that your brother has something against you, leave
your gift there before the altar and Go; First be reconciled to
your brother, and then come and offer your gift."
Notice that Jesus puts no
condition the command to reconcile: He
does not say, for instance: "if your brother has something legitimate
against you." In fact, the Lord never even suggests that we should
evaluate who is "right" and who is "wrong" in a relational dispute.
Rather, He tells us to concern ourselves with repairing the brokenness
between us, and restoring fellowship with our brother.
"Leave your gift at the
altar and Go; First be reconciled with
your brother." This means we must be at peace with brethren before we
can worship God! Relational harmony is a prerequisite to true worship.
We must worship God, Christ taught, in Spirit and in Truth. Our worship
is dishonest, if we are at odds with our brother. As St. Tikhon of
Zadonsk warns, "If we approach God in prayer without reconciling with
our neighbor, our prayer is vain and empty. Until peace and love are
restored, God will not accept repentance, nor prayers, nor anything
else from us." (Journey to Heaven)
The Beloved Disciple John
put it clearly: "If any one says, `I
love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not
love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not
seen" (I Jn 4:20). Obviously, reconciliation must occur before we
approach the Holy Mysteries. This is the meaning behind the Kiss of
Peace in our Liturgy: we are at peace with one another. In other words,
if we go to church without being right with our brother, our Eucharist
(which literally means, "Thanksgiving") is in vain.
In another teaching,
Jesus tells us what to do when we feel our
brother has wronged us:
"If your brother
sins against you, go and tell him his
fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have
gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two
others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the
evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to
them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen
even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax
collector." (Mt 18:15-17)
This passage, based on
Judaic law, is the basis for ecclesial
discipline. When serious sin occurs, the Church has progressive steps
to corporately deal with it. The ultimate step of ostracizing is done
in the hope of bringing the sinner to repentance (I Cor 5:5). Here we
will address our personal obligation, which is the first
requirement of Christ: "Go, and tell him his fault, between you and him
alone."
Notice that in either
case, whether our brother has wronged us
or we have done something against our brother, the command is the same:
we are commanded to "Go." God instructs us to straighten it out.
Resolving conflict is our highest priority, both when we feel wronged
and when we know someone feels wronged by us. Jesus never condones
passivity. Rather, He condemns those who ignore relational difficulties.
When conflicts occur, we
go to the other person privately, in
strict confidence, "between you and him alone." Personal reconciliation
is a private act. Going to others about relational problems destroys
mutual trust. "A whisperer separates close friends" (Prov 16:28). This
is true even when triangulating is done with good intentions
("Triangulating" is when person "A" has a problem with "B," and goes to
"C" to talk about it). Even when seeking the advice of a spiritual
father, we must keep identities absolutely secret, or else our sharing
becomes gossiping. (An obvious exception is a mutually agreed upon
arbiter, who meets with both people in order to mediate a
reconciliation.)
As explained earlier, we
must first forgive, and when we
forgive, the "debt" is gone. Still, in the case of Christians, we must
go, "be reconciled with your brother." Why go? The "debt" is gone, so
why do anything about it?
Since the sin is
forgiven, going to the person is for his sake
(or the sake of those he influences), and for the sake of our
relationship. Working out relational sin is not for
forgiveness; Forgiveness comes first. Working it out is in order to
learn from serious mistakes, to not harm another person that way again,
and to maintain harmony in the Body of Christ. We are to keep Godly,
corrected relationships between brethren. We go, because we care about
the person. We go because we care that ongoing sin (or sin with the
possibility of being repeated) is corrected. We go because we care
about the quality of our relationships, but we do not go because we
still care about a personal offense.
The wrong is no longer
held by us personally, but it is still
contrary to his or her Christian ideals, and desire to love. The person
no longer "owes" us, but in truth he "owes" it to himself to see and
admit his sin. The Word of God says, "He who hates reproof is stupid"
and "goes astray," but "he who heeds reproof is honored" (Prov 12:1,
10:17, 13:18). Moreover, if the person has influence over others he
"owes" it to them, for the sake of his example to them, to repent of
any wrongdoing. We owe it to him as a brother (and to those he
influences) to lovingly, gently, humbly offer correction to him. He may
not accept our correction, but a loving Christian seeks to help his
erring brother (Lk 17:3; James 5:20). It may be hard to face, but
"faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Prov 27:6).
Going to the person is
for the sake of our relationship
continuing in a wholesome way. We "care enough to confront." We want to
do all we can to restore the relationship. We go, so the harm doesn't
occur again; Things can't be "right" if we ignore the wrongs! We want
all our dealings with others to be pure in the sight of the Lord.
Remember: to correct
someone is an act of love. Offering
correction is being loving to him or her, just as it is loving to
graciously accept correction offered. A Godly person listens to
correction, seeks after counsel, and heeds reproof. Correction is one
way that "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Prov
27:17). To lovingly correct, and to be corrected, is an absolute
necessity for every Christian. We must also be open to his correction:
often wrongs occur in pairs!
Practically speaking,
when we go to our brother, we must be
prepared. First, forgive. Second, take whatever time necessary to calm
our senses, so as to approach the brother with gentleness. Remember our
affection for the brother, so our going to him is in sincere love.
Third, admit to the possibility that we could be wrong, or could have
misunderstood the offense, so as to approach the brother with genuine
humility. Fourth, think over prayerfully what we will say, for the sake
of clarity and brevity. (Our Christian brother does not need a long
diatribe against him!)
Most importantly, keep in
mind that our words can heal, or they
can further hurt relationships. We must always correct gently, with
kindness. Never correct with hostility in your heart. Forgive the
person in advance, before approaching him. Remember, you are on his
side, caring enough about your relationship to correct it. You are on
his side and not on your own, because as far as you are personally
concerned the offense is forgiven. The purpose is only to help, never
to hurt. We are to correct in such a way that the person feels
encouraged to be more Christlike, not in such a way that the person
feels condemned. Do not correct in the heat of passion, but calmly, in
the peace of God.
We must be
straightforward, but never impute guilt. Correction
should be gentle, and is best received when offered within the context
of normal relating. It should not be handled in a heavy, "major" way.
The focus must be only on the action in question, not on the person who
offended. In correcting another Christian, we must never judge his
heart, or doubt his love for Christ. Our goal is to be reunited in
peace, not to condemn or punish.
Unity is true unity only
when it is centered in Christ. Jesus
Christ is not only our sole Mediator with God the Father, but is also
our mediator with one another. It is by His power that we become one.
We must look to Him Personally as the common focus among all brothers
and sisters in the Faith. We share a common Lord, Who is our "meeting
point" with estranged brethren. Christ is our uniter. In this
sense, Fr. Alexander Schmemann teaches, "Reconciliation is an epiphany
of the Church as the Kingdom of God."
"Sin --whether we
call it `original' sin or `primordial'
sin-- has broken the unity of life in this world... Everything
has become divided and destroyed. But Christ has come into the
world and said: `And I, when I am lifted up from the earth,
will draw all men to myself' (John 12:32)."
There will be instances
where reconciliation is refused. How do
we deal with that in our hearts? In long-standing friendships of
respect and love, when our overtures are rejected, how can we continue?
We must realize, we are only responsible to do what we can do. There
may be a "wall" over which we can do nothing to get through. There
comes a point, which cannot be universally defined, where we have
honestly done all we can, and we have to let it go. At that point,
after doing all we can possibly do, we resign the relationship into the
Lord's hands. We face the fact that the relationship may never be
reconciled; We may never be close friends again. Life has to go on.
There comes a time when we have to say goodbye. And forgive again.
Throughout all
circumstances, we must be ruthlessly honest with
ourselves: First, in being sure we have done all we can to set the
relationship right. Have we "gone the extra mile" to humbly work things
out? Second, we must be honest with ourselves in guarding against
bitterness. Resentment and hostility are deadly, and we cannot allow
them in any way. "Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute
you," Christ commands, and this we must do with pure hearts. Third, we
should always be kind, but avoid pretending. If the relationship is at
a sad dead-end, fake smiles and trivial conversations are inappropriate
and dishonest. The way we relate to those who refuse reconciliation is
with kindness, prayer, and humility, keeping in mind that we are not
perfect, either. Tell the brother, "I love you," in word and in deed.
We must not allow bitterness to take root, but we also cannot condone
hypocritical relating.
Always, always, always,
leave open the possibility for
reconciliation. Love "hopes all things," and "endures all things" (I
Cor 13). Perhaps one day soon we will be reunited with our brother.
Ultimately, there's no avoiding it: In the life to come, we will have
to work it out! Certainly, on the Last Day, all will be known and all
will bow down together before Christ our True God.
WHEN
WE HAVE WRONGED SOMEONE
When we have wronged
someone, we need forgiveness.
As Leonardo da Vinci
painted "The Last Supper," he became upset
with a certain man. His temper flared, and he lashed out with bitter
words. Returning to his work, he attempted to brush some delicate lines
on the face of Jesus. But he was so distraught, that he couldn't regain
his composure. Unable to continue, he finally left his tools and went
to look for the man and ask his forgiveness. Only after his apology was
accepted and he felt right with God could Leonardo go back, and
complete the face of Christ.
This is an example of
personal repentance. As hard as it may be
to hear, when we have wronged someone, we need to ask their
forgiveness; We need to repent.
We often think of
repentance as a humiliating thing; as
something that crushes our spirit, and robs our joy in life. That's not
true! Repentance is a freeing thing; It is love-in-action. Basically,
repentance is just being honest. It is acknowledging the truth of our
sin --not excusing or belittling it, but admitting it. This raw honesty
frees us from the shackles of self-deception, self-justification, and
guilt. Repentance is a liberating thing; It is facing the truth about
ourselves. Far from robbing us of joy or happiness, repentance restores
our joy and happiness! The only thing repentance crushes is pride,
hatred, selfishness, and rebellion. It's not "guilt-producing," but is
guilt-freeing.
Repentance is not
humiliating, but it does take courageous
humility. We sometimes think a person who admits being wrong is weak,
but the truth is, it takes real strength to repent. The world thinks
that to humble oneself is a sign of cowardice, but in the eyes of God,
it is the strong man who repents. Look at the Apostle Peter, the leader
of the early church. On the day of Pentecost, Peter's bold preaching
won three thousand. He was beaten and imprisoned for the Faith, and
still Peter stood strong. Then, the upstart, controversial Paul
publicly rebuked him at the agape meal for shunning Gentiles. Imagine
Peter --the Rock-- being openly corrected by an opinionated convert!
But Peter repented; He accepted the correction of Paul. As a result,
the church was righted; both Peter and the church were stronger for it;
and Christianity was never the same. Humility is a strength. Even the
Leader of the Apostles needed, and heeded, correction. Truly,
repentance is a necessity for us as well.
It is often humility
which melts the angry heart of the brother
we have offended. Jacob personally and ruthlessly betrayed his brother
Esau twice. He not only stole the blessing of their father Isaac for
himself, including Isaac's goods and money, but also stole the blessing
of Almighty God upon all his children. Esau vowed to kill him, and for
many years, Jacob had to literally run for his life. But Jacob
sincerely repented. He repeatedly made restitution to Esau, showering
him with countless gifts from afar. Finally, the brothers were to meet.
Still fearing Esau's wrath, Jacob divided his flocks and family into
two camps, so that if Esau killed them, at least one group would
possibly survive. Then, "Jacob went on before them, bowing himself to
the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother. But Esau ran
to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and
they wept" (Gen 33:3-4). Humble repentance heals broken relationships.
But there's more. After
embracing in forgiveness, Esau offered
to return the many gifts Jacob had showered him with. Jacob replied, "I
pray you, if I have found favor in your sight, then accept my present
from my hand; for truly to see your face is like seeing the face of
God, with such favor have you received me" (Gen 33:8-10). It is
inexpressibly good when estranged brothers are reconciled. Receiving
forgiveness is "like seeing the face of God." Truly, "good and pleasant
it is, when brothers dwell in unity" (Ps 133:1).
And so, we must seek the
forgiveness of our offended brother.
Sometimes, forgiveness is not humanly possible, because the person we
have wronged has died. Still, we can apologize to that person before
God, confess our sins to our pastor and seek to live a life of humility
and repentance. In such cases, we can know with absolute certainty that
the "God of the living and the dead" has heard our sincere cry and has
completely forgiven our sin. We can also live in the sure hope that one
day, we will be reunited with those in Christ, and will experience that
long-awaited, personal forgiveness from all those we have wronged.
Cases where the person wronged refuses to forgive us can be dealt with
much the same way. We sincerely apologize to the person, confess our
sin, and seek to live humbly. Having done so to the best of our
ability, we can let go of any remaining feelings of guilt. As Father
Thomas Hopko says, "Put the Cross on it, and let it go."
If reconciliation is
possible, when we have wronged someone, we
must go, and listen to him. This is absolutely critical: listening to
the full is vitally important to the relationship. Really listen, don't
just pretend to hear. Let our brother's pain affect us personally.
"Feel" our offense through the other person's feelings. Have sorrow for
what we did: a relationship was harmed; Love was broken! While
humiliation or guilt is not involved, the person wronged does need to
know we've really understood their hurt.
Then, after listening
thoroughly, we must sincerely ask
forgiveness. St. Tikhon of Zadonsk teaches, "We must break down the
idol of pride, and bow down with humility before the offended one. When
we repent with our tongue, we must repent and be sorry in our heart.
For the outward without the inward means nothing. God judges according
to the inward disposition." (Journey) "Man looks on the outward
appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart" (I Sam 16:7).
When confronted, we may
want to defend ourselves, to justify our
action, or to call it a "small" thing, a "white" lie. We tend to
compare our "little" sin with the "bigger" sins of others --perhaps
even the person correcting us. But we mustn't compare our actions to
the average person's. Our standard is not "the other guy." Our standard
is Jesus Christ. His perfect love is the "measuring rod" by which we
assess our sin. "You must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is
perfect" (Mt 5:48).
"There can be no
end to strife except in love and
forgiveness. No justice, no matter how impartial, can bring about
peace, neither among individuals or nations. We must cease from
putting the odium of the fault upon each other. We are all
sinners; we can but fight our weakness, and echoing the Psalmist,
say, `If You, O Lord, kept a record of our iniquities, who could
stand? But there is forgiveness with You, be Your name forever
revered' (Ps 130). If we ask God not to keep a record of our
misdeeds, how dare we keep a record of each others'!" (Mother
Alexandra, Life Transfigured, pg 14)
Our inner attitude should
be the prayer of St. Ephraim: "O Lord,
grant that I may see my own faults and not condemn my brother." Jesus
said to focus on our sin, not the sin of others.
"Why do you see the
speck that is in your brother's eye,
but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you
say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,'
when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take
the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to
take the speck out of your brother's eye" (Mt 7:3-5).
We can all admit to sin,
because we have all sinned. Every
Liturgy we confess Jesus Christ, "who came into the world to save
sinners, of whom I am first." Though my action may be the same as
others', my sin is uniquely mine --and uniquely grievous. No one has
sinned as we have: doing what we know is wrong, despite all our life
experiences which bless us with God's love and warn us of His
judgement. There is no greater sin than the one I have committed.
Therefore, we ask
forgiveness, making no excuses. We don't
rationalize our wrongdoing, or try to justify ourselves. No matter how
"small" the offense may seem, we have done wrong. We have harmed a
brother or sister. Remember, "He who hates reproof is stupid" (Prov
12:1). It is not life-shattering to be corrected. He who is corrected
stands in a long line of Godly men and women, including St. Peter (by
Paul), St. Paul (by Christ). Only One is perfect!
No excuses is essential.
We must not pass the buck, blame
someone else, beat around the bush, or chalk it up as a simple
`mistake.' We must take responsibility for our words and actions. We
repent, not rationalize, or gloss it over, or try to explain why, or
toss it off as `I'm only human.'
All Christians are to
accept correction. It doesn't matter what
our position is, or who it is that corrects us. The prophet Balaam was
given money to curse the Israelites. But on his way, he was stopped by
his donkey, who saw an angel of the Lord about to strike Balaam down.
Balaam couldn't see the angel; He grew angry and beat the donkey
repeatedly. Balaam thought his donkey was being disobedient, but in
reality, the donkey was saving Balaam's life. Finally, Balaam's eyes
were opened, and he repented. When we are corrected, we sometimes react
by dismissing the other person, thinking, "It's not their place to
correct me." But if God can correct the prophet Balaam by an animal,
surely we can listen to the person who corrects us. The strong always
listen to correction, and evaluate it, not the person offering it. A
wise man receives Godly correction --even from a fool. As Proverbs 9:8
says, "Reprove a wise man, and he will love you."
We ask our brother to
forgive us. Moreover, we ask forgiveness
specifically. This breaks down any residual pride on our part, and it
often softens our brother's heart for reconciliation. St. James
commands us to "Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one
another, that you may be healed" (Jm 5:16). We boldly admit our wrongs:
"I'm really sorry for ______; Please, forgive me," or, "I was wrong
about ______; Please, forgive me."
In nearly every
relationship, there is something to repent of.
Even if we don't agree who did wrong, we can still admit we could have
handled ourselves more lovingly. We can admit this for any problematic
situation, because only Christ acted with perfect love. Mother
Alexandra preaches, "The power to truly forgive is closely akin to
humility. The humble are never offended. Their toes are somehow not
found under the feet of others, or if so, they admit that they should
not have been there." (Life Transfigured, pg 14)
Our example is Job. We
call him, "the Righteous Job," because he
was a Godly man. Job's goods were destroyed, and all his flocks
perished. His wife and even his children died, and finally, Job himself
was stricken with a very painful, deadly disease. Job's friends kept
telling him the reason for his calamity was sin. But Job had not spoken
against God. His so-called "friends" were wrong; Job had not sinned in
any way. Nevertheless, after hearing the word of the Lord, Job humbly
replied: "I despise myself, and I repent in dust and ashes" (Job 42:6).
Self-defense has no place
in personal repentance. God wants men
who admit their sin; Men who love the truth more than their position.
In Psalm 51, King David takes full responsibility for his sin, calling
it "my transgression," "my iniquity," "my sin," and "the evil I have
done." He admits that what God requires of us is honesty: "You desire
truth in the inward being" (Ps 51:6). David concludes, "The sacrifice
acceptable to God is a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart, O
God, You will not despise" (vs. 16-17).
"Thus says the High
and Lofty One who inhabits eternity:
`I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of
a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble,
and to revive the heart of the contrite.'" (Is 57:15)
God doesn't want us to
admit our sin in order to crush our
spirit. Just the opposite! God wants our healing, our restoration.
Repentance heals us. As David found, repentance reopens communion with
our Father and each other, it restores the joy of salvation, and opens
our lips to show forth God's praise (Ps 51).
Those who repent are
remembered for their Godliness, sincerity,
and the integrity of their faith. To this day, David is known as "a man
after God's own heart." Far from being disgraced, those who repent are
viewed by Christians as all the stronger, and all the more worthy of
honor and emulation. Peter and Paul assure us, "No one who believes in
Him will be put to shame" (Rom 10:11; I Pet 2:6).
We must reconcile
ourselves with one another. Our relational
problems will not simply "go away." Ephesians 2:16 says that "Christ
reconciled us to God in one body through the Cross, thereby bringing
hostility to an end," and while this was written about our relationship
with God, it is equally true about our relationship with each other.
Through Christ, we can be reconciled with each other, and hostility can
be brought to an end. "God, through Christ, reconciled us to Himself
and gave us the ministry of reconciliation" (II Cor 5:18-19).
Show sincere
heart-repentance, and we gain our brother back.
Perhaps we can also help make up for the damage with a hug, a note, a
call, a gift, or a loving act of service. In some cases, more serious
restitution may be needed; Love requires us to do all we can to heal
the harm we've done. In every relationship, honesty is the prerequisite
to love, and humility is the path to freedom.
"Finally, all of
you, live in harmony with one another;
have sympathy, love of the brethren, a tender heart and a humble
mind. Do not return evil for evil, or reviling for
reviling; but on the contrary bless, for to this you have been
called, that you may obtain a blessing. For `He that would love
life and see good days...must seek peace and pursue it.'" (I Pet
3:8-11)
And so, we forgive, as
God in Christ forgave us. Freely,
sincerely, and completely. No matter how hard it may be. No matter how
long it takes. Whether the person apologizes or not. Regardless of the
person's willingness to be reconciled with us. Without excusing the
sin, but boldly facing it and releasing it as "against" our brother or
sister. We forgive.
When we have truly
forgiven, we have performed a miracle. When
we have reconciled ourselves with our brother, we have participated in
the mystery of Redemption. May Christ our true God forgive our sins, as
we forgive the sins of others.
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